May 07, 2021
On Asking for the Help You Need

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"You can do anything, but not everything." -- David Allen

For the past two months, I've been facilitating an online course whose purpose it is to help people transform their inspired ideas, dreams, and ventures into reality. It has been a ton of fun and very fulfilling -- my "calling", if you will (and even if you won't).

Baked into the learning process are some simple ways to help participants become aware of the places inside themselves where they may be tangled or challenged in their approach. One tangle that has surprised me is how difficult it is for most people to ask for help.

While it is true that the creative process requires a healthy dose of solitude, it also requires a healthy dose of interaction with others and, occasionally, the well-timed support of others. Indeed, there are times when even the most self-sufficient and confident among us needs a push, pull, jiggle, jolt, feedback, encouragement, hug, joke, or assistance. Even though, most people intellectually acknowledge this need, when push comes to shove (as it often does), most of us tend to default to the "I'm-in-this-all-alone" mode.

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Hmmm...

I've been pondering this phenomenon for the past few weeks, trying to better understand it and deconstruct it for the lovely people enrolled in the course -- a way to help them get a foothold or handhold up the creative mountain before them. Here's what I've come up with:


The Ten Most Common Reasons Why People Don't Ask for Help:

1. Assuming that the people you want to ask are too busy.

2. Being unclear about the specific help you need.

3. Not knowing who to ask for help.

4. Anticipating discomfort if your request for help is "rejected".

5. Not believing you deserve anyone's help.

6. Thinking that asking for help is a sign of weakness.

7. Not wanting to be "beholding" to anyone if the person who agrees to your request for help turns around and ask you for help.

8. Fear of strong personalities challenging your approach.

9. Fear of success.

10. Fear that your finished product won't be as incredible as you imagine it will be, so you subvert its completion by not asking for help.

So there you have it -- ten Big Bad Wolves that may have taken up residence in your mind -- funky, old habits that compromise your ability to ask for help. So be it. No big deal. Welcome to the club. Please know there are many ways to go over, under, around, and through these obstacles. For starters, consider some of the following choices, Then choose at least one of them to get the party started:

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The Idiot Savant's Guide to Getting the Help You Need

1. Make a list of everything you don't know about your project.

2. Make a list of the kind of help you want. Be very specific!

3. Make a list of everyone whose help you would like.

4. Identify your preferred ways of asking for help, i.e. email, phone call, Zoom call, breakfast, lunch, dinner, drinks, walk, etc.

5. What, if anything, can you barter in exchange for the help you are seeking, so it's not just a one-way transaction?

6. Who has asked YOU for help in the past? How did you respond?

7. List your biggest limiting assumptions (i.e. funky beliefs) about asking for help.

8. Transform each of your limiting assumptions into a question, beginning with the words "How can I?" For example, if one of your beliefs is "Everyone I know is too busy to help me," change that assumption into a question, i.e. "How can I find out if the people I know are too busy to help me?"

9. Close your eyes and imagine that you had all the support you needed. How does it feel?

10. Sometimes, the hardest part of asking for help, is the opening line -- a way to break the ice. Towards that end, take a look at the conversation starters below and see if any of them work for you. If not, create your own.

-- "I'm not sure if you know this, but I am deeply immersed in a very meaningful project (insert project name here). The deeper I get into it, the more I realize that I'm going to need some support. I wonder if you would be willing to (specific request). I'm guessing this will take you about 20 minutes per week."

-- "Committed to (insert project name here) before the end of the year, I'm in the process of putting together a team of friends to provide some support along the way. I wonder if you would be available to be part of my team. Here's the specific support I'd be asking you for (insert request here)."

-- "I have so much respect for your ability to (insert ability here). This, as you may know, is not one of my strengths. Would you be open, from time to time, to provide some input, coaching, and support in this arena?"

-- "Recently, I've run into some challenges with my project (insert specific challenge here). From what I can tell, you have already mastered this domain. Would you be willing to assist me?"

-- "Are you available, once a week, to meet with me and share your ideas and insights about my project?"

"Ask and ye shall receive."

The Hero's Journey and the Creative Process
Year of Living Creatively Manifesto
Testimonials from Year of Living Creatively Graduates
An Invitation to Dive Deeper Into Your Own Creative Process

Posted by Mitch Ditkoff at May 7, 2021 08:22 AM

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