Are you an inflammatory leader?

My husband and I recently went through an unexpected transformation with our 11-year-old granddaughter.

As we’ve reflected on our experience, it’s clear that what we learned and applied with her is something that could transform not only every parent and grandparent, but also every leader on this planet.

It all started with the pandemic in March 2020. School went online. Summer activities were cancelled. Our granddaughter began staying with us 3 days a week. By the end of summer we were struggling to keep her entertained while attending to our work and life. Thus, she became thoroughly entrenched in her computer and tablet. Then she got an iPhone and that added to her arsenal.

We became worried that she had succumbed to screen addiction so we did what any well-meaning and concerned parent or grandparent would do… we started researching the problem and looking for solutions. In our initial research we found lists to help us identify whether she had a problem or not. Going down the top 10 list, we answered “yes” to each one. Ok, now we know we have a problem, but how to solve it?

Further research focused on how to negotiate time on devices and even take them away if needed. We didn’t feel comfortable with any of these recommendations. They seemed so focused on addressing the symptoms, but didn’t in any way reveal or solve the underlying root cause.

The stress continued to escalate among all 3 of us. But something inside kept prompting us to keep searching. Then we found Dr. Sandy Gluckman, a child psychologist who specializes in the “whole child” – body, mind and spirit.

We felt a sense of peace and hope as we listened to her videos and read her blogs. Our hearts resonated with her message and as often happens, we discovered we were the problem, not our granddaughter! We discovered that we were doing “inflammatory” parenting, which we were totally unaware of.

While Dr. Sandy goes into tremendous depth and breadth with this topic, the bottom line is: children engage in addictive behavior when their brain is inflamed due to stress. Once their brain is inflamed, they move to the more primitive portion of the brain and act out fight, flight or freeze behavior. Looking back at the “10 checkpoints to see if your child has screen addiction,” it’s easy to see that all of these behaviors are coming from the “fight, flight or freeze” perspective.

Children will certainly pick up on the stress of adults around them, but there is an even deeper root cause, which is a feeling that “I am not enough.” This can show up in many ways, such as “I’m not smart,” or “Nobody likes me.” As Dr. Sandy says, even though we are well-meaning parents and grandparents, unfortunately many of the messages we give our children reinforce this notion that they are “not enough and they need fixing,” especially in times of stress.

All of this made perfect sense and clearly hit home for us. It took quiet, meditative time and heartful conversations for us to examine our own stress levels and where we don’t feel “good enough”… as well as become aware of things we were saying to our granddaughter that reinforced this notion that she was not enough.

To be honest we were shocked to discover the dynamics that were going on within us and in our speaking. And yet that was the good news! We discovered many things that “we didn’t know that we didn’t know.”

This was clearly an opportunity to “release” and “undo” patterns we had been engaged in with our granddaughter. While Dr. Sandy points out 12 patterns of inflammatory parenting, the ones we related to the most were: focusing on the negatives/problem, not listening, being judgmental, lecturing, nagging, and threatening consequences.

We were highly motivated to transform ourselves and it showed. Within a couple of weeks, our granddaughter was back! She started taking walks with us again and we started hanging out together talking about her life and challenges. Her creativity and sparkle for life returned. She readily apologized when she noticed her attitude was negative. We looked forward to her being with us each week, rather than bracing ourselves for a stressful experience.

Now here’s what’s interesting… she still loves her devices and spends plenty of time on them. But now, if we ask her to take a break and do something with us, it’s no longer a struggle. We’re also having conversations about the life’s lessons that she’s learning with the different apps she’s engaged in. And most importantly we’re enjoying the very things that mean a lot to her and marvel at the wisdom that comes out of her mouth when we listen closely.

Could our lesson with our granddaughter be helpful to leaders around the world? Absolutely! Here are some questions that may open the space for this kind of transformation:

We love Max DePree’s definition of leadership: “A serious meddling in the lives of others.” Our experience with our granddaughter certainly reminded us that no matter what position of responsibility we’re in, our attitudes and behavior make a difference to others and it's never too late to transform ourselves!